November 20, 2009 ~ July 13, 2011.
Expired. That’s all we are. We try and try to revive something that has no possible potential to last anymore. That sunny summer day when you left, the day turned cold. In my rib-cage, a force compressed my internal organs, a pain rising through my lungs and windpipe, executing a stream of tears that fell like a leaking faucet. Everyday was a mental battle, and soon weeks passed, then eventually a month. By that time, I felt fairly indifferent about the situation by telling myself that relationships are relentlessly adverse.
But then he asked me to spend a dinner break with him at band camp. It was casual, but there was a strong sense of desire. The last hour rolled by, and we sat across from each other at the bleachers.
"You look amazing", he said softly to me.
I was stunned… Then his lips pecked my forehead. I retaliated and kissed his cheek… and eventually he migrated a long kiss to the lips. My face flushed, heart rose through my chest, and I was once again: caught.
We became a “thing” for awhile, but we never publicly labeled it as that. He didn’t want a title, in fact as of to this hour, I still don’t know for sure what we were. We went through with this for a short three weeks, until he stops me during a day at lunch to say, "I can’t do this anymore." He explained to me, and I listened, unsurprised. I knew this was going to happen, I saw it coming. I broke my own heart prior before he could break mine. Angry, I said nonchalantly, “whatever John”, and those would be the last two words I’d speak to him for a long time.
That night we had band practice… And damn he looked good. At the end of practice, I waited around the band room for nearly twenty minutes… Waiting for him to walk out, so maybe he’ll see me and stop to talk to me… Something I told myself I don’t want, even though I really did. He didn’t leave the building… So I walked away. [This is where the picture comes in.]
Walking away, the band room echoed a sympathy of a soloist playing a mellophone. It was part of the show’s ballad. The song had not been relevant to me until that night… For the first time this year, I walked in the darkness alone, without him by my side. The moon was full, yellow, illuminating the sky, no stars to compliment it, just alone… How I’ll be for the rest of my high school career. Not because I don’t think someone else will come, but because I’ve decided to exclude myself from those particular relationships.
Through this all, the fact I cant get over is that… he played me. He could so easily maneuver and mold me into what he wanted… He’d love me for a month and before I know it, that love would be gone. But I promise to this day, I will NEVER let him take control.
I will never be his again…